Childhoods Witnessed

Childhoods Witnessed

I made ravioli once after you climbed in the window.

I probably shouldn’t have though,

it was canned ravioli.

I probably shouldn’t have done a lot of things.

jasper and me

When I was alive,

I wished for her.

"birthday wish"  -sylvanfairy      oil stick etc. on wood-board

I felt a spooky whisper on the day I wished it.

It was sunny and I was standing by the side of my bed.

My room was puke purple,

or headache pink,

whichever.

ruby wish and me

If y'all died,

I would lie down in the road,

flat...

silent...

screaming…

or vise versa

I can’t remember.

Someone would hold my hand.

and do the same,

or vise versa.

My aunt blew up in a plane when I was very young and

they say pieces of her were scattered

over the city.

My mom cried in a howling sound

and we thought it was all about the dog

because we were sent outside with hotdogs to feed it.

I love my sister

But I don’t think she knows how much.

"jordan in fairy form" -sylvanfairy      mixed media on canvas

and I crunched through it all,

hands on my back,

butt on a ball.

My blood pressure went up a couple of times.

sylvanfairy art journal pages

I am in the process of finding

some treasure

that is most likely

Me.

I can’t wait,

even though I know it will take a lifetime.

"windswept" -sylvanfairy    mixed media on watercolor paper

Oh, and now, when I get in the car and drive away from our house,

my anxiety careens off freakin' track if I don’t tuck people in bed.

I am supposed to, I think.

I’m always looking at that.

Am I here?

But I left.

Should I go back?

I was abandoned one thousand times or more.

And not just by my parents

when I was young,

and old.

"the yellow house" -sylvanfairy       acrylic and pencil on wood-board

Friends and lovers left me.

And I am still marked up.

"jenny" -sylvanfairy      mixed media on canvas

Some of my extensions don’t reach out.

They think I am cracked nuts.

They don’t know my story.

"nothing stays"  -sylvanfairy     collage mixed media on canvas

Don't pretend you know me if you don't

and don't judge me if you do

You never asked

and I never told. 

sylvanfairy art journal pages

“You were a good kid” I breath, 
or my heart beats.

“And I love everything about you!”

You make me crumble to pieces,

just by walking by,

each of you.

I will die with you on my mind…

Last thing,

before I

go.

Swear.

cisco swift

I live in me.

Me!

I feel colors.

I saturate my soul visually.

I sneak away to an imagined home

where there’s a daily paper,

green over grown grass,

grand semi-scripted fairy stories

in painted orchards

with daddy long legs all about.

I know exactly what I look like

and what I want to wear.

And I try not to smoke.

But I do.

me midsummer's eve

I drape my pain in fabric,

and wash it out with titanium white.

Pencil over parts.

Spread it out on a large flat board

to dry

like a storybook page or

cryptic message

ready for processing

into

beauty 

and

joy.

-June 2011

"my secret birthday" -sylvanfairy    mixed media on canvas