Worth

My value is not measured by your opinion of worth. 

And the absence of my contribution is a lie. 

The voice of truth cannot be silenced.

"Abandoning the Left Overs" 6" x 8" acrylic on joint compound wood board

Art Journal Story Poem - "Cycle"

Cycle    

-art journal story poem

All her life

things repeat

...

been here

tryin' to get real about it.

Discord.

take me back,

take me back,

take me back,

Timeline.

Lists and lists...

what I have heard.

No.

...nothing needs to be in order,

the truths we tell will make the song.

I am vibrant

Begin again.

-sylvanfairy

Trying to Explain

Everything I ever want to say can be found along the wayside

in an overgrown 

countryside

ditch

on the edge of summer.

"bee" - 8" x 11" acrylic on clay-board

the damp soil 

the blooming weeds 

the quiet cooling breeze 

it's all there

My words are 

All of All not spoken

"Looking Forward" - 6"x 6" acrylic on canvas

the broken wings of a mallard 

caught mid flight

by a huntsman's aim... 

the shifting sands of the desert...
the wet of a dogs eye

breathlessness

newborn

orgasmic

"Lies" -18" x 24" acrylic on canvas

I belong to life

I whisper like this...

first layer  -24" x 18" pencil on wood-board

essence of wine

kiss of roses

Sorrow 

Heat

Bells

The dry souls of feet long walking

handmade everything

spun
sifted

and done up with coral

"Beneath the Surface" -8" x 11" acrylic, pencil, chalk on clay-board

Words are hard and soft and full

and spill out onto everything

Words like

Swan

Snail

Horizon

Bend

and Fig

my heart speaks in this kind of song 

in this way

to this kind of listening

"Ingesting Magic Orbs" -24" x 19" acrylic and pencil on Bristol paper

one day 

when I'm gone 

if you catch the sparkling glint of broken glass 

beneath a seaside cliff

or teardrops wet

across a child's cheek

know I was this and more

Forever

stars and dust and dew

"Yesterday" - 4" x 4" acylic, paper collage on canvas

Art Journal Story Poem -"Breath it All In"

breath it all in

and go ahead and stray from the beaten path...

the healing elixir

exists within the poison.

Your trauma, your pain

can set you free

Begin again, begin again, begin again... begin again, begin again....

Lets get one thing Clear

I thought I would check in with you all and clarify.
Seems some people are not clear about what my Vision Quest is.
Sorry if I sound annoyed.

"What is this Vision Quest thing you are doing?"

It's really funny because my word for January is CLEAR.

sylvanfairy art journal pages

My Vision Quest is about marketing myself authentically.
(this is IT in a nutshell....I like the word nutshell, ...for so many reasons)

See I plan to make an income for myself, and to do so by doing what I love.
My goal is to support myself using my artistic nature.
To provide for myself and my family through my un-colleged, un-professional, un-conventional way.

I love a challenge.

My Vision Quest is NOT about searching for myself, or finding "Me" through some froo-fru self help bullshit. I am not reading the stacks of books on Self Worth, and Healing, and Courage to "find" or "heal my inner self". I am reading them because I am a healer and a teacher in life. Sure, I will heal from trauma, and learn more about me on the way, but the book stack is about research.  I am not purposefully seeking to find myself anymore than anyone else is as they travel through time and life. I am researching about myself to get to the next level. I plan to write a book. Create a workbook. Publish things. Inspire through creating. Teach and sell art. etc etc. (Plus, I love books.)

"You are the Healer"   3' x 4' acrylic on woodboard

My Vision Quest is about Moonpaper Tent and how to utilize it. How to build it up in the right directions and let it carry me. I have been planing to take 2014 to "re-shape" its path. I am using this year of questing to do more research. I don't have a business degree, actually have never even taken a business course. (I was at home with 6 babies)

I will try to explain....

Moonpaper Tent has been built on pure passion and need, and I have not done it the "right" way like some people would have. In fact, once I had my 5th kid (a girl, finally!) and she turned 4, I thought to myself  "Hurray! Now I  can start doing the thing I was born to do!  I can use my artistic self to create an income!"  (for some reason this is important to Self Worth -whether it should be or not -I learned this from my Self Worth research)  So I opened a studio for creative exploration and actualizing dreams called The Moonpaper Tent.

Then I got pregnant. Literally 3 months after I signed the lease.

But guess what, I kept going anyway. I had my sweet baby -even though some people wanted me to consider other options- and kept right on going with my new studio and my babe strapped to my boob.

"Just Float" 4' x 4' acrylic on canvas

I was clear in my intention. And my intention was that I demanded an equal chance to make my own way, even if making my way looked like playing dress-up. Or a hobby even to some people I suppose. Or like writing scripts, and creating shows, and curriculum, in the wee hours of the night after I had tended to my sweet home, full of children, and dirty socks, and left-over stew. Some people might think I was selfish in this way. I have even heard through the grape-vine that some of my friends even felt abandoned. (Let me tell you about my definition of abandonment some time) Anyway, I had the candle lit at both ends. It was 2006, I was 42 for crying out loud.  I deserved to proceed in this fashion. Call it what you will.

"The Magic of Merlin" presented by The Moonpaper Tent

So now I had two full time jobs based on passion and neither of them helped me out monetarily. Geez this makes some people up-tight. But it's not like I could do a 360 and go to college, to get a degree, to get a job that paid me, to pay the nanny, to stay home with our kids. I had two full time jobs that created  happiness for me. And created beautiful atmospheres for growing children, in the art world and Mama's arms. Mom's in the world, they don't often get credit for this shit. Contribution is green, not sweet pink, in a lot of peoples eyes. I beg to differ.

A lot of things happened along the way, in the last 6 years of working on this goal and dream. Some of them were not pretty. There were several really big mis-haps. The kind that have the potential to fuck you up forever unless you remember your focus. Even if your focus turns to crying and journaling, and wayward painting in overgrown ditches, or sewing with cobwebs for a while.

"August Ghost"  3" x 4"  acrylic on Bristol

But guess what, I kept going anyway. Thank Goodness Moonpaper is run on magic. Magic is alive and dreamworlds exist. Thats why I made it. Frewf! It's a real place and I want to utilize it to its rightful potential!

My Vision Quest is here to wake people up. I woke up. I am done listening to the "You can'ts" and the "You are's" (insert negative words after) And this condescending "Oh, she is finding herself" crap makes me sad for people that say it.

If "finding myself" means reading, and painting, and staying driven to create an income by doing what I love... If it means healing after trauma, and looking at relationships along the way.... If it means staying clear about my path, and listening to my women's intuition, then "she is finding herself" should be sung from the freakin' rooftops!

"Follow This Path" acrylic on wood-board

Lets get one thing clear...I am not a wallowing mess of tears and suicidal thoughts, wrapped up in the past. I am a beautiful, smart, loving mother who is processing life, and who happens to be an artist that still plans to make her own way by doing what she loves. (thank goodness the kids are older)

My Vision Quest is to market myself authentically through just this kind of truth-telling.

There the secret is out.

Me or Bust! Countdown to Vision!

Vision Quest Road Trip Sign 

-sylvanfairy    cardboard, acrylic, collage, pencil and what not

Cool. The Countdown to Vison Quest 2014 has started. Basically 12 hours to go!

The only pre-quest-ness I need to post is this lovely poem Anne Hopestill-Paulus left me with. 

It has been etched on her (literally), and is now etched on me (not literally).

The more I read it the more I feel Alive. 

It seems so fitting for a pre-quest post.

...

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies dráw fláme;

As tumbled over rim in roundy wells

Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s

Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;

Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:

Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;

Selves—goes itself; myself it speaks and spells,

Crying Whát I do is me: for that I came. 

-Gerard Manley Hopkins

Childhoods Witnessed

Childhoods Witnessed

I made ravioli once after you climbed in the window.

I probably shouldn’t have though,

it was canned ravioli.

I probably shouldn’t have done a lot of things.

jasper and me

When I was alive,

I wished for her.

"birthday wish"  -sylvanfairy      oil stick etc. on wood-board

I felt a spooky whisper on the day I wished it.

It was sunny and I was standing by the side of my bed.

My room was puke purple,

or headache pink,

whichever.

ruby wish and me

If y'all died,

I would lie down in the road,

flat...

silent...

screaming…

or vise versa

I can’t remember.

Someone would hold my hand.

and do the same,

or vise versa.

My aunt blew up in a plane when I was very young and

they say pieces of her were scattered

over the city.

My mom cried in a howling sound

and we thought it was all about the dog

because we were sent outside with hotdogs to feed it.

I love my sister

But I don’t think she knows how much.

"jordan in fairy form" -sylvanfairy      mixed media on canvas

and I crunched through it all,

hands on my back,

butt on a ball.

My blood pressure went up a couple of times.

sylvanfairy art journal pages

I am in the process of finding

some treasure

that is most likely

Me.

I can’t wait,

even though I know it will take a lifetime.

"windswept" -sylvanfairy    mixed media on watercolor paper

Oh, and now, when I get in the car and drive away from our house,

my anxiety careens off freakin' track if I don’t tuck people in bed.

I am supposed to, I think.

I’m always looking at that.

Am I here?

But I left.

Should I go back?

I was abandoned one thousand times or more.

And not just by my parents

when I was young,

and old.

"the yellow house" -sylvanfairy       acrylic and pencil on wood-board

Friends and lovers left me.

And I am still marked up.

"jenny" -sylvanfairy      mixed media on canvas

Some of my extensions don’t reach out.

They think I am cracked nuts.

They don’t know my story.

"nothing stays"  -sylvanfairy     collage mixed media on canvas

Don't pretend you know me if you don't

and don't judge me if you do

You never asked

and I never told. 

sylvanfairy art journal pages

“You were a good kid” I breath, 
or my heart beats.

“And I love everything about you!”

You make me crumble to pieces,

just by walking by,

each of you.

I will die with you on my mind…

Last thing,

before I

go.

Swear.

cisco swift

I live in me.

Me!

I feel colors.

I saturate my soul visually.

I sneak away to an imagined home

where there’s a daily paper,

green over grown grass,

grand semi-scripted fairy stories

in painted orchards

with daddy long legs all about.

I know exactly what I look like

and what I want to wear.

And I try not to smoke.

But I do.

me midsummer's eve

I drape my pain in fabric,

and wash it out with titanium white.

Pencil over parts.

Spread it out on a large flat board

to dry

like a storybook page or

cryptic message

ready for processing

into

beauty 

and

joy.

-June 2011

"my secret birthday" -sylvanfairy    mixed media on canvas